depending on how this post goes over in the next few hours i may pull it, i don’t want to offend ANY of my followers…

that’s right…SEX…  i sometimes wonder if sex has caused more destruction to the human race or if perhaps religion…it tends to be a toss-up. but i’m not talking about religion, i’m talking about sex.

here’s an irony i notice: many straight guys fantasize about 3-somes with gay chicks…but get enraged about when gay guys come on to them.

have you ever noticed how the warring religious factions agree on the “evilness of homosexuality”? yet, they are bent on wiping out each other? again, i digress…

actually i’m stalling because how does one talk about his own sexual dysfunction?…no, just dislike for most acts of sexuality. that’s right, i’m an adult male, who’s straight, not “over the hill”, and can perform even. i said most because bj’s are awesome…on me anyway. i am constantly fantasizing about the “complete sex act” with woman…all ages from 20s to 50s…but real life just doesn’t measure up. i’m more of a “heavy petter”   and “go all the way” because it’s expected. women want more than some long kisses and some finger time. still i stall…

this is about me. 1st my mother had a lot of sexual issues as a child and i understand (it’s not confirmed) that i am the end result of a case of date rape, which of course didn’t exist in 1962. she tried to shake me to death as a baby and i believe i was raped as a toddler (again, not confirmed). i do know i was raped or at least coaxed into a homosexual sex act when i was around 10yr old. i was bullied throughout school, hated sports, didn’t know how to socialize with the girls (i think this is very common among boys). i found pornography as a 5th grader…mostly hustler…and some playboy and playgirl…that’s another irony for you, my dear reader, to consider…the stuff most vividly remembered? the “chester molester cartoons” and the anti-smoking ads that larry flint produced…everybody has some strange sexual memories, i believe.

with me, i just ain’t “good enough”…and that’s a long list…AND before you offer words of encouragement notice the quotes. it’s not that i’ve gotten completely past my inferiority complex because i haven’t, IT JUST DON”T MATTER!!!! unlike atmosphere, i do not need sex to survive!!! sure, i want it…i met me an awesome woman nearly 15yr ago, not perfect but i put a lot of personal shit on her table and she didn’t puke or die , she loved me. she reinforced the positive stuff i learned in therapy and she guided down a path of self discovery i never even considered i could walk. she struggled with her own sexual issues, a very personal story not to be shared by me for sure.

she was married and tried to make it work “for the kids”. she has 3 daughters and had a son too. i always knew that love and sex are very different beasts. sex, generally, is lust and generally heartless and passes rather quickly leaving me wondering how i performed…with this lady i discussed my inferiorities and insecurities about my sexual performance. she showed me how to “touch her”.

me helping with the kids strengthened my ability to love unconditionally and i found i enjoyed that kind of interaction with females so much better. oh, it’s so much easier to love when “he’s in the barn”!!!

the girls are almost adults now( 2 are, at 18 and 19) and i was there that wet Saturday when nate  went home…i miss him as if he was my son. those kids are awesome!!! i just am having a hard time seeing past the memories; they ain’t babies no more!!! but as the kids grew so did their mother…there was, finally a divorce, and a new love. a man (or woman) may sometimes find that “their better half” has a passion for homosexuality. as was the case for me, my lover had a girlfriend, and about 6mo before she lost nate she met her wife. well, it progressed into marriage. and she tried to keep 2 women and a man happy…people tend to be territorial with their relationships. i wanted HER to be happy and she was happier with the women. our sex life faltered and then her “main squeeze” would be mad and upset and so any joy we experienced was snuffed out. my theme is “i want her to be happy”, so i stopped having sex with her. she’s happier too. and her wife accepts the gf better than the gf accepts the wife, but they are finding a “happy place”. the oldest girl is out of the house and the 18yr old is a correctional officer with a gf too…and to my knowledge the 16yr is still a virgin…that’s a powerful statement in 2015!!!

so,now, where do i find myself happiest? hanging with gay chicks when the boundaries are very clear and solid. i don’t drink or do drugs because those highlight the lustful and selfish part of me…and i don’t want “drunk sex”. i just want to chill and hang out with beautiful women.

won’t happen, but hey, it’s me at the moment…